And the distant flashes capture my image. Their forked tongues lick my sores without regret. I wrote this on the back of a cigarette packet so the words are small. When I ran out of room I continued writing on the blank space of one of my books. I was waiting for the train to roll. If you see a burning bridge I’ll be near by. The contestants line up one by one - but don’t expect me to finish. Plan for second guessing; expect mild disappointment. I’m an hourglass, unable to analyze the passing of sand. Can I write myself out of this; out of this life? Even my own words betray me. There will be no music, no art, no writing and no charms. There will be a calm death, a choking cough, a vascular bang - if I’m lucky. Pretend. Pretend! My frustration is a quicksand that I hope to drown in. I disappoint myself. I’m a 2am film, and nobody can remember the title. What is that actors name? Who could possibly know. And friendship is simply a word for me to set ablaze. Looking in the mirror is a jaw clenching experience. Watch my veins as they flex and pulse. The wet, soggy, stench of failure. I want to write so much more, but trying to capture myself is like a Bombay child searching through garbage for the next meal.
Friday and a fuckhead collide. I hit the ground and realize that it’s me.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Thursday, September 08, 2005
I've got you pegged
Working in the corporate world is not dissimilar to working as a Hollywood actor. Both forms of employment dictate that their protagonist act out a role they have no belief in. The script is dead, there is no higher purpose, and money is the only prize. I'm here, so I'm no better. Tom Cruise, minus the good looks, running around in a boring role, trying to convince the world of the company's worth.
And why the shirt and tie ordeal? Who are we trying to impress? I can't remember the last time that any of us met customers. Are we trying to impress each other? 'Look! Look at my tie!' is the silent scream from some of these corporate junkies. I say, if you want to wear a tie feel free, but don't impose your fraudster sentiments on the rest of us.
And why the shirt and tie ordeal? Who are we trying to impress? I can't remember the last time that any of us met customers. Are we trying to impress each other? 'Look! Look at my tie!' is the silent scream from some of these corporate junkies. I say, if you want to wear a tie feel free, but don't impose your fraudster sentiments on the rest of us.
Nightmare
I read something disturbing before I went to bed last night, and that disturbing thing lead to a nightmare. I can only remember flashes of it now, but from what I do remember someone was out to kill me.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
And on a more positive note
There are two films coming out that I'm looking forward to laying eyes upon: Grizzly man and Little fish.
Grizzly man, a documentary by Werner Herzog, follows the life of a crazy eco-warrior that spent years befriending (ultimately he was eaten by one!) grizzly bears. Apparently the film is as much about social isolation as it is about a man's bond with nature. Werner Herzog is, in my opinion, one of the best directors going around. He is responsible for my number one documentary: My best fiend.
Even in the midst of poverty, drug addiction and despair, beauty will find a way of creeping into the darkest recesses of human pain. From what I've heard about the film, Little fish is based on exactly this premise. This Australian independent film tells the story of a recovering drug addict, and the shattered, broken lives that surround her.
Two films that I will definitely see over the next couple of weeks.
Grizzly man, a documentary by Werner Herzog, follows the life of a crazy eco-warrior that spent years befriending (ultimately he was eaten by one!) grizzly bears. Apparently the film is as much about social isolation as it is about a man's bond with nature. Werner Herzog is, in my opinion, one of the best directors going around. He is responsible for my number one documentary: My best fiend.
Even in the midst of poverty, drug addiction and despair, beauty will find a way of creeping into the darkest recesses of human pain. From what I've heard about the film, Little fish is based on exactly this premise. This Australian independent film tells the story of a recovering drug addict, and the shattered, broken lives that surround her.
Two films that I will definitely see over the next couple of weeks.
Four crumbling days
One big night out, complete with excessive drug consumption, has set me back again. I spent the last couple of days in bed; time off I can ill afford as it is a peak period at work.
When will I learn?
It was a strange night out. The club that I went to had a three dimensional theme night. I haven't worn a pair of 3D glasses since the 3D version of The Wizard of Oz came out when I was a child. The blurred vision that amphetamines produce, to me, seemed to negate the 3D effect.
I start my seven week course this Saturday, so it is a major imperative that I get my shit together. If I get into University next year I'm going to have to stay completely sober.
My body aches and feels depleted. I feel older than I actually am. A muscle in my neck feels as if it is clamped in the jaws of a gigantic bulldog clip. I feel empty spiritually, physically and mentally. A loss of hope is only an ambulance ride away.
When will I learn?
It was a strange night out. The club that I went to had a three dimensional theme night. I haven't worn a pair of 3D glasses since the 3D version of The Wizard of Oz came out when I was a child. The blurred vision that amphetamines produce, to me, seemed to negate the 3D effect.
I start my seven week course this Saturday, so it is a major imperative that I get my shit together. If I get into University next year I'm going to have to stay completely sober.
My body aches and feels depleted. I feel older than I actually am. A muscle in my neck feels as if it is clamped in the jaws of a gigantic bulldog clip. I feel empty spiritually, physically and mentally. A loss of hope is only an ambulance ride away.
Friday, September 02, 2005
Friday Fuckhead
In America this week, terrible hurricane Katrina has wreaked untold havoc and death upon the lives of many. This event of historic magnitude will have an impact on more than just the immediate life or death of those in the south. On the television tonight I saw pictures of absolute chaos; people were chanting 'help, help, HELP!' Media reports are painting a terrible picture of rape, murder and anarchy. For a lot of reasons, I think that this might be a defining, and hopefully destructive, moment in the life of the Republican regime. Bush's disdain for lower income earners (read, those of black skin color) has been cast into the spotlight: there to smolder and burn like a vampire in the sun.
While the polluted, murky waters were raising above the heads of Southerners, Bush was eating cake with his buddies in sunny California. An investigation into the reasons why disaster prevention and response has been so inadequate reveals that the Bush administration diverted much needed funds away from projects, like the construction of better retaining walls around the soup bowl that is New Orleans, and instead spent that money on the pointless, phony war on terror that is Shitstorm Iraq. So basically, money was siphoned away from protecting poor, predominately black folk in New Orleans in order to bring about mass death and destruction for poor black folk in Iraq...
And meanwhile, in the midst of the turmoil yesterday; with people drowning, starving and being eaten by alligators; with a pseudo war on terror being fought; with death in her homeland and abroad, Condoleezza Rice was buying $3,000.00 shoes.
Condoleeza, I hope you polish up those shoes really well. You are my Friday fuckhead.
While the polluted, murky waters were raising above the heads of Southerners, Bush was eating cake with his buddies in sunny California. An investigation into the reasons why disaster prevention and response has been so inadequate reveals that the Bush administration diverted much needed funds away from projects, like the construction of better retaining walls around the soup bowl that is New Orleans, and instead spent that money on the pointless, phony war on terror that is Shitstorm Iraq. So basically, money was siphoned away from protecting poor, predominately black folk in New Orleans in order to bring about mass death and destruction for poor black folk in Iraq...
And meanwhile, in the midst of the turmoil yesterday; with people drowning, starving and being eaten by alligators; with a pseudo war on terror being fought; with death in her homeland and abroad, Condoleezza Rice was buying $3,000.00 shoes.
Condoleeza, I hope you polish up those shoes really well. You are my Friday fuckhead.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Seven List
Yikes! I've been tagged for a meme by the fabulous Ladybug. I've never been tagged before. What should I do? Answer the quiz I guess...
1. Seven things I plan to do before I die
3. Seven things I can't do
1. Seven things I plan to do before I die
- Stand atop the misty peak of Machu Picchu
- Write a book
- Find inner peace
- 'Walk like an Egyptian' amidst the pyramids (walking like an Egyptian is very important)
- Become fluent in a language other than English
- Unlock the mystery of the universe
- Visit Russia - lecture Lenin's corpse on the failings of his doctrine
- I can swim strongly
- Self deprecating humor comes very easily to me (there is a lot within my self to deprecate!)
- I just self deprecated (that sounds rather like pooing in one's pants) whilst stating that I'm good at self deprecating, ergo I can 'do' two things at once
- I can gargle the Australian anthem. Gross, I know.
- I can write serviceably
- I can hold a reasonably competent conversation on politics and global affairs
- I can dance in complete ignorance of the disapproving stares from around the room
3. Seven things I can't do
- I can't say goodbye to girls that I love
- I've never been able to stick to instructions when constructing something
- Talking with other guys about cars is something I'll never be able to do
- I have a bad back and, consequently, I can't touch my toes
- I can't speak another language (yet!)
- I can't play the banjo with my teeth (nor with my hands for that matter).
- I can't accept phony, trumped up wars on terror.
- Mystery
- A dry sense of humor
- Intellect
- individuality
- A good taste in music, film and literature
- Quirkiness
- Well placed tattoos
- I have a theory...
- That is CRAZY!!!
- Are you serious?
- Does maniacal laughter count as something a person 'says'? Possibly not, but I laugh maniacally quite a bit...
- Here comes an avalanche of bullshit...
- Wowzers! (I haven't been able to stop saying that since I first watched Inspector gadget when I was 12 years old)
- Hell's bells!
- Mila Jovovich
- Sofia Coppola
- RóisÃn Murphy (Moloko)
- Monica Bellucci
- Emmanuelle Seigner
- Katy Steele (from Little Birdy)
- Scarlett Johansson
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