Sunday, June 26, 2005

I have a devil sitting on my shoulder

6 Months have passed and I've managed to avoid the excesses to which I'm predisposed. A semblance of normalcy was being achieved in my sensitive (and often misfiring!) brain. I wouldn't describe the last couple of months as 'happy', but I had definitely obtained a level of tranquility (evenness?) of late.

Last night I fell off of the wagon.

I don't know why... I have wracked my brains looking for the reason... The only answer that I can come up with is that I have a devil sitting on my shoulder. He whispers in my ear; things like: "go on, you can take one. You deserve it!" The problem with me, and the problem that I have always had, is that 'one' is never enough. So I'm home now and feeling like a prune... Well, maybe not a prune as a prune holds far more juice than I feel I can currently lay claim to - perhaps, rather, a dried date more adequately describes the way I feel.

Devils aside - I wonder at the real roots of my self destructive tendency. Am I bored? Unfulfilled? Unhappy? Yes, however, taking drugs and escaping off into Neverland for a night does nothing to reduce those three unfortunate states of being, in the long term. When do I take the lesson that my body and mind so mercilessly try to teach me every time I have one of these little relapses? When something really bad happens? I hope not.

And so it is back to the path of sobriety for me - hopefully this has been a one off; a glitch; an aberration on my intended pathway towards happier days.



elevatorstars said...

So logic dictates that I should write part of this comment with the related entry, but yours is the first blog I've ever read that talked about Solzhenitsyn in any way whatsoever. I bought a bunch of his stuff from the local cheap used bookstore, I haven't had time to start them yet, but I love Russian authors.

Also, mind if I asked what's up with the self-imposed sobriety? Just curious *shrug*

And thanks for the link again, I'll add you when I figure out how to create links to non LJ sites.

Don Quixote said...

Thank you for my 1st comment!

I absolutely love Solzhenitsyn: he is my favourite author... Well, he is in my top 10 at the least. You get me started talking about him and I'm pretty hard to stop! As evidenced by the length of this reply!

The self-imposed sobriety has come about from waking up one too many times without much recollection of what transpired on the night previous. I'm just trying to get my head clear and my life sorted out - aren't we all?