Scientists today have been diving underneath the Antarctic ice shelves, in order to observe and track thus far undiscovered marine life. Some of the creatures that I witnessed on the news tonight were truly strange, and truly beautiful. But sadly, the scientists were not there to plan future study of these unusual life forms; rather they were there to capture images of them for posterity. You see, at the rate that the ice caps are melting, these oceanic marvels won't be around for many more years.
But there isn't any ozone depletion and, no, carbon emissions aren't depleting the earth's natural protection from the sun, and - hell no! - species aren't dying out at an unprecedented rate, a rate not seen since the extinction of the dinosaurs. All this fuss about the environment is just the result of a vast left wing conspiracy.
When the ice caps are gone, and when we're fighting wars over the remaining fresh water reserves, and when we've all ceased our filthy 2 pack a day smoking habit because we have just as much luck feeding our addiction through the air we breath, when that happens, will it then, finally, be time to play the blame game? Will we be allowed to point the finger and say, hey!, your failure to amend your behavior, your preference for money over ecology, your damnable pig-headed laziness has brought us to this point?