I've always known

We used to play together as children. Everybody has a best friend – you were mine. All those Stand by me adventures were ours; the first kisses we stole we did almost side by side. Every youthful folly, every childish twist or turn, we beheld together. When I think of you I think of the smell of summer… I think of that sprinkler we used to run through as it fired of its machine gun bursts of water. I remember like it was yesterday whole days spent in the park, dreaming up what we would one day become… Things we would one day achieve. Did we get there do you think?

Yes, we had some amazing times together.

Despite this, even as a young kid I think I saw something in you that I didn’t like. You had a way of making me feel small, inferior… I did, and still do, a good enough job of that on my own thanks. Even in those days, lacking the insight that adulthood brings, I could still see that you would grow to be a very self-serving man. Despite that ever so faint shadow in the back of my mind, that dark specter of doubt nagging me, not a loud voice but a constant one nevertheless, despite that, we stayed friends for many years…

The hourglass flows quick and we find our early twenties in those sands – contemplation leads me to marvel that we made it so far. Don’t think for a second that I am not grateful, we saw some hard times together. I can recall their angry faces, blurred and leering, as fist and shoe found their mark. Burned in my mind is the picture of your worried face as you cradled my bloody head. “Don’t do that to me again” you said.

Blurred… That final night is blurred. When I try to conjure a clear memory its as though I’m lying on the bottom of a swimming pool looking through the water and trying to make out a face through the surface above… Everything about that night is all shimmers and wobbly edges. We all drank a lot including her: “Can you roll a joint for me?” she said, “Yeah sure, no worries” was what I probably replied.

The rest happened very quickly – we smoked and exchanged small talk. Up to that point we hadn't really hit it off that well. I wasn't sure she was the right girl for you but I kept my opinions to myself. The night was really cold, that is one thing I do remember. Peaceful. That peace was soon broken when you lurched around the corner and said to her “what the fuck are you smoking dope for, huh?” She didn’t get a chance to reply, you punched her before her mouth could form words.

A long time has passed since that night; I hear you are living in Japan now. I have no doubt that you are doing well and making money. That was always a focus of yours. How long would it be since we last spoke? Four years? I often think about you and whether that night taught you something about yourself. I took something away with me even if you didn’t; something about the nature of friendship, trust and especially about you and me.

That one punch cost you a lot old friend.

Can't make a sound

"I have become a silent movie
The hero killed the clown

Can't make a sound

Nobody knows what he's doing
Still hanging around

Can't make a sound

The slow motion moves me
The monologue means nothing to me

Bored in a role, but he can't stop
Standing up to sit back down
And lose the one thing found
Spinning the world like a toy top
Till there's a ghost in every town

Can't make a sound

Eyes locked and shining
Can't you tell me what's happening?

Why should you want any other, when you're a world within a world?"

Elliott Smith - Can't make a sound

Why NIN, Sylvia Plath and a lack of talent don't mix

The riser watches.

I’ve seen you spiral and circle on that lonely arc. I’ve watched, through infinite periods, the insects march in turn. I beheld you dance and fuck, bow and scrape. Your pathetic devotions amuse me, you build your castles – hideous monuments to nothingness, perhaps that will warm your hearts. Does knowledge slide in through the peripheral? Does it weigh heavily upon you? I know the stars are no consolation; those cold points of brilliance die out long before their false glimmer is reflected in your eye.

The riser watches.

When you see a mirror what does it show? You run and cry, befriend and die. All will return to me and all will succumb. In a place of tangled webs and floors laden with the dust of ages I will take you to my breast. Blackness will envelop you, a blackness of all the senses, an eternal scream. Hell? Hell is just a word my friend.

The riser watches.

And I shall be waiting above it all – laughing to myself at a joke you will never know. Waiting for you...

Path of excess, palace of wisdom

If this holds true, where is my damn temple?

Long time between drinks..

It has been a long time between entries. So much has happened yet so little of real significance. Perhaps that is a cop-out as I fear that the important things I will always manage to neglect when making enteries in my blog.
Hmmm... Where to start? My period of self enforced abstinance (from drugs, alcohol, now even cigarettes!) continues. I have lost count of how long it has been but it is somewhere in the order of 11 weeks. Quitting smoking has been the biggest triumph. My mental health has gained from the lack of brain hammering from cutting out mind altering substances. I'm looking on the world with clarity and some sort of comprehension. And yet... Something is still missing? I can't put my finger on it but I need to discover it soon. Otherwise I will wake up tomorrow and be 40 and still be pondering what I should have done with my life.
Is my crisis (is that word to dramatic for a life that is blurring into mediocrity and obscurity) one of the soul, one of the mind or one of direction? I know there are definitely things I need to do to be heading in the right direction; saving money, studying something fulfilling at Uni, questioning my existance (which I guess I am doing here) and meeting someone nice, amongst the foremost.
I feel like I could tackle full time education at this stage - I'm focused and ready for some sort of mental challenge. I should have inserted "getting up to date at work" amongst the things that I need to do in order to head in the right direction, but I digress - I COULD handle study now that I'm free of vice temporarily.
Man, I really have come a long way if I think about it and I really should give myself some credit. 6 months ago I was a babbling, drug swilling mess. I guess I need to focus on further positive progress so I don't head back in that dark direction. So this week I'm going to attempt to focus for 5 days straight on working hard, reading the paper, reading my books, walking (which is important because it is the only thing that makes my increasingly sore back feel better) and getting a good amount of sleep. The other thing I need to change is my diet - I have always, and continue to, conumed a lot of crap food. This must change in order for me to feel good during the day.
I have been reading a lot lately and I'm currently engrosed in a book called "Novemeber 1916" by Alexandr Solzhenitsyn. It is a part fiction, part non fictional account of the 1st world war and its effects on Russia and the later implications that it had for the revolution soon to follow. When I read about history I'm just in awe of the amazing things that have happened and momentous events that shape our living world today. The fact that someone like Solzhenitsyn can conjure up all those ghosts of the past and put such a complex and massive period into an entertaining and understandable format just amazes me. I'm in awe.
Ok, that is all for tonight (rathe abrupt ending really) as it is late and I need to save more to write about tomorrow.