Sunday, March 20, 2005

Of shyness and social retardation

So I'm at a bar right? I'm not the kind of guy that girls normally even glance at let alone smile at. Despite this a cute girl keeps looking over and smiling and doing this kind of roll-her-eyes-back-in-her head thing that has my heart all aflutter. So I'm thinking to myself; nah, she isn't looking at you, she is looking right through you and thinking about some joke her uncle told her when she was three. Self defeating kind of inner dialogue, you know? So here I am having talked myself out of accepting her quite obvious interest. Fuckhead that I am. All of a sudden one of her friends approaches. I kind of realize what is about to go down but instead of excitement I feel a sense of absolute horror. Oh no, she is going to talk to me or ask me to come over and meet her friend. Shit, I'm not going to have anything to say. I'm going to freeze up and be exposed for the fraud that I am. Leave me alone! Let me enjoy the possible fantasy that she is interested and let me dream and delude myself that if I had of spoken to her I would have been charming and witty and dashing and all the other clich├ęs that you are told in trash Hollywood films that you are supposed to be when tackling an interaction with the opposite sex. But her friend doesn't receive your silent telepathic communication, she continues on towards you with a grim resolve. Kind of like the way the terminator pursues his quarry in the film. Closer. One step, two steps, three steps. My life flashes before my eyes. Go away damn it! But she doesn't... She forces her presence into my line of sight and says: "Can I introduce you to my friend?" I jump and act startled to maintain the charade of me not being aware that this was all about to transpire. "Yeah, sure" I say despite the inevitability of my humiliation when I cross the room and make contact with her friend. So she leads me across the room towards her friend and a feeling of calmness comes over me. The calmness of one resigned to their fate. The calmness of one condemned to the gallows. So you reach the group of girls standing on the dance floor, not one girl, not the girl that has been staring at me and her friend - no - a virtual harem all looking at me expectantly. To compound the difficulty of the situation my friends have become aware that something unusual is unfolding and they are all watching as well. I feel their eyes boring into me, discovering all my inadequacies and failings. The music becomes a faint drone at the back of my consciousness. It seems, in the deeps of my narcissistic mind, that the whole room is watching me awaiting my demise. I make eye contact with the green dress girl "Hi" I offer up lamely, "my name is Jason" I give this introduction, in almost robotic fashion to green-dress and the rest of her friends. I receive a similar response. I look round and say "this almost feels like a job interview". Fuckhead. Meathead. Moron. They let out an uneasy laugh. Who have we let in to our circle of trust they must be thinking to themselves. I start to make conversation with green-dress; "where do you live?" "What do you do?" Banalities all of them. I'm starting to sweat, I'm auditioning for some reality TV show called "Socially retarded idol" and I'm crashing and burning. Despite this she makes pleasant conversation back and actually seems mildly interested, in an aloof sort of way. I find out she works casually at the War Memorial, a short 5 minute walk from my work. I also discover that she is studying her masters in Australian history at university. She discovers that I work a shitty job and that I pace from side to side when I'm nervous. In some amazing show of resilience of charity she still appears interested. I however have no such fortitude. This shuttle is going down and I'm looking for the ejector-button. "I'm going to get a drink" I say. "Oh, she says" with what seems to be a disappointed tone. "I might come back over later" I say. "I'm going home soon she says." So, what do you think I did at this point? Asked her for her number? Not me. Tried to make further conversation? No way! Thought up some witty line to make her laugh and relieve our mutual attention? Not a chance. No, I slink away towards the bar muttering to myself "stupid motherfucker..." "Total dipshit..." "Tumbling, tumbling dickweed..." I guess my question is rhetorical when I ask do you think after buying my drink I went back over to talk to her? Upon returning to my group of friends they asked "what happened? What was going on with that girl?" The looks of horror and disgust when I tell the girls how I managed to fuck up yet again are commonplace by now. So, what have I learnt from last night’s experience? Next time a girl looks my way I should go home and call it a night.

15 comments:

daizzyland said...

Great! It feels good to get confirmation that social retardation exists not only in the female species . . . and it explains a few things . . .

Don Quixote said...

Oh, it reigns supreme across both genders.

Anonymous said...

Dude, I think I'm socially retarded. I'm a hella asshole to everyone and I don't try to be. Naw mean?

Wolf said...

Sounds EXACTlY Like What i Would Have Done/Thought.
See, This Is Exactly Why I Don't Go Out.
xD
Kudos For Even Getting Out Of That Alive, Dude.wow.

kkimcoco said...

i agree with diazzyland...
i guess some people are just born with the ability to talk the tail off a donkey and still manage to attract people of the opposite gender like flies to a dumpster.

thx fer sharin=]

dearliza said...

Sigh. I'm 15 and after my ex told me I essentially have no friends while I was complaining about my friend leaving me all summer, I decided to go home and search social retardation. I am exactly like this! All these sites say "smile more" "don't cross your arms" but seriously? that doesn't help. at. all. So I decided to ask others who freak out when the idea of socializing enters their minds. I can't be like this forever. Does anyone have any ideas how to help with this?

gegnirfonixpie said...

yo dearliza im also 15 years old and im social retard. i got advice from my social genius brother that we need 2 go out 4 sports and clubs in our highschools. he says we will eventually learn how 2 socialize. that is wat i am doing. hopefully those cool boys who get all the girls will invite us to their parties if we become their friends.

gegnirfonixpie said...

...ive never even had a girlfriend before. ur already better off than me

Shaun said...

I'm male & most definitely socially retarded. I can't communicate with people without sounding like a total idiot. I don't even try with women anymore not matter how drunk I get.I try to compensate for my lack of looks with humour, but I'm not particularly funny so generally I just confuse people. Nightclubs & bars don't suit me. It's loud. I'm kind of deaf & have to shout. Apparently I talk too quietly & quickly to begin with. I can never think of anything to talk to people about especially people I don't really know. Approaching strangers? Doesn't happen. I haven't really even got any friends in my day to day life so I rarely leave the house. My social retardation has had a fairly negative effect on my life. Plus side, I'll probably never breed so at least it'll never afflict any future generations.

I'm Ali... said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
I'm Ali... said...

I can relate! I've missed so many opportunities, thinking they can't be looking at me or that perhaps it's a set up for a joke.

When I'm in an okay frame of mind, I know that I'm introverted & there's nothing wrong with that. When I'm going through difficult times (like earlier tonight), I consider myself socially retarded. I found your blog by googling socially retarded for the first time. I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way.

Anonymous said...

uh, found this under social retardation. that sounds intense. ive done similar. ima realy cute kid like dam good lookin but fried my brain a little bit so now i sound like a dumb fuck 4 year old who gets distracted by a peice of friggin torn paper on the ground or plastic spoon. just met a girl today but dont know what to say cuz shes cute n hot an good an all my life has been drugs (fuckin fraud) FOR THE PAST 6 years but i been clean for one anyways yeah sorry for wasting ur space dude. that was cool though, get her number next time. i used to be good xP. progress brutha progress

Anonymous said...

You got there, she was interested. I am in a similar situation right now (I think) at work w/ a repeat customer who I went to high school with. She usually comes over to chat w/ me for a while and asked if I was on facebook or myspace (I'm on neither). There is just something in the way she talks to me that makes me think she's interested. She is soon to be divorced, and she's cute, she laughs at my jokes, and is pretty funny herself. Every time she leaves I tell myself I am going to get her phone number the next time she comes in. Does it happen? FML FTW

Anonymous said...

When I started reading that story I must admit I got a bit excited. This has happened to me so many times! When a girl likes you it's supposed to be exciting but I find it scary. Good to know I'm not the only one.

Tia said...

This is cool!